In a recent talk, I explained a couple reasons why understanding Frame of Reference matters when you’re dealing with challenging behavior.
Someone whose behavior is difficult usually won’t see it that way, and trying to convince them their behavior is “challenging” is a losing game. What can be helpful is naming how their behavior impacted us, without expecting them to agree with our interpretation of it.
Also, it’s helpful to remember people with challenging behavior may not care about or want to validate your Frame of Reference. Their own perspective may be the only one that is relevant to them. That’s not something we can control, and pushing them to repeat or acknowledge our perspective creates more friction, not clarity. This is not about concession – it’s self-management.
We can still state our Frame of Reference clearly while accepting that agreement or validation may never come. What is within our control is making a genuine effort to understand their Frame of Reference. Capturing that clearly doesn’t require agreement, but it gives us better information about how to respond and reduces the amount of “shifting sand” (the tactic of subtly changing their story) some individuals use to maintain control.
